“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~ Anais Nin

In the last blog post that I shared, I presented an inside-out understanding of life that I’ve found super helpful to me and those I work with.

The basic gist is that we experience life through the lens of thoughts that are moving through our mind in each moment and not directly from circumstances.

If we are stuck in traffic (a circumstance) and the lens of thoughts that show up are about how much we are enjoying the music we’re listening to than we will feel enjoyment.

If we are stuck in traffic and the lens of thought that shows up is about how stupid it is that there aren’t more lanes on the highway then we will feel frustrated.

Thoughts create feelings and subsequently the way we experience life in the moment – not the circumstances themselves.

Can you see the difference? In both scenarios above, the circumstance is the same, but the different way we experience it is created from the thought lens that shows up for us in the moment.

You may be thinking, “Great, that’s interesting, but why is knowing that helpful to me?”

It’s helpful because we often take our thinking very seriously, as if it’s the absolute truth and that our feelings are coming from life outside us, but in reality it’s not.

The thoughts that show up in our head are highly subjective and biased depending on what limiting beliefs show up in the moment. Or another way to think about it is that your mind is like a sports commentator, always giving its opinion and story about what you see throughout your day.

But its reports about your life and the world around you doesn’t necessarily equal the TRUTH. Not by a long shot.

The good news is our feelings and emotions are guides that help us to determine how accurately we are seeing life in the moment and how much we should trust the thought lens that is showing up. If we are feeling anxious, frustrated, or upset, it’s a pretty good indicator that our mind is stirred up and we should be cautious about believing what it’s telling us.

On the other hand, when we are feeling more relaxed and peaceful that’s an indicator that we can trust the thought lens that is present in the moment.

Please don’t take my word for it though, play around with it yourself.

Maybe like me, you’ll notice that thoughts that seem really true when you’re upset don’t seem so true or serious when you’re in a better frame of mind.

I’d love to hear what you’re seeing. Feel free to comment here or send me a note if you’d like to share or have questions.

If you find this post interesting and you’d like to learn more about the thought-feeling connection and how it shapes our life, please check out the What If? Program that my wonderful friend and colleague, Melissa Wirt, and I are offering in August – we’d love to have you join us!

There’s a good chance you may find this understanding about life, that I’m about to share with you, a wee bit irritating.

It certainly annoyed me when I first heard it. But it also resonated with me and felt like home – like peace. And that last part is what moves me to share it with you.

The understanding I speak of goes something like this:

At our core, the spirit of who we are is love, clarity, peace, wisdom and wellbeing. Always.

AND how we experience life is directly related to what we are thinking and feeling in each moment and not as a direct result of the circumstances or events that are happening outside of us.

Here’s a personal example that always pops into my mind when I’m wanting to illustrate how this premise works.  A couple of years after my father died I was struggling with overwhelming depression and anxiety. One snowy afternoon I noticed my mother out in the hilly, pine tree lined fields near our house snowshoeing.

My mind immediately filled with thoughts like, “How awful that my mother is out there by herself. She must be feeling sad and lonely.  Why is life so unfair? Why did my father have to die right as my parents were moving into their ‘golden years’?”

As these thoughts ran through my mind, I felt more and more depressed and flooded with worry that my mother was all alone and that life was bleak. Clearly I needed to do something to help alleviate her suffering.

Funny thing is, it turns out that my mother was having a wonderful time.

She called a while later and was full of joy sharing with me about her snowshoeing excursion. I can still vividly recall the beautiful lightness emanating from her as she conveyed how fun it was and how good it felt to be trekking around in the fresh air.

With this new understanding of how life works it becomes clear to me that my depressed, anxious, worried feelings weren’t coming from outside of me.

They were coming from the very sad narrative I was telling myself about my mother. She was having a fabulous day – out there. The not fabulous day was created – inside me – via my moment to moment thinking – my spinning mind and the meaning I gave to it – that’s all.  

As I’ve played around with this understanding – that we experience life from the inside out – I notice that I’m less and less afraid of the unknowns in life. There is freedom in knowing that the outside world doesn’t control my wellbeing.

It allows more space for that always well part of me to shine through with creative solutions and ideas for whatever shows up in life.

And the anxiety and worry I feel at times doesn’t seem quite as compelling. I feel more in flow and my fluctuating moods and thoughts don’t seem as significant, because I know they are just energy moving through me and I don’t have to hold onto them and take them for THE truth.      

But don’t take my word for it. Play around with this understanding for yourself. See if you can detect any truth to it.

In the upcoming, What If? Program, I’m offering with my friend and colleague, Melissa Wirt, we explore this understanding of life further and the role our thinking plays in unwanted habits. If you’re interested we’d love to have you join us.   

Back in March my wise and dear sister encouraged me to watch Simon Sinek’s inspiring TEDx talk, “Start with Why.”

I am so thankful she did. At the time I was floundering around in my business like a fish that’s stayed too long in the shallow water as the tide recedes. I was having trouble connecting to the current of where I wanted to go.I was beyond frustrated—I wanted to be connecting with all you lovely colorful people who, like me, want to live in ways that honor and delight the soul.

“People don’t buy what you do, people buy why you do it.” ~ Simon Sinek

Simon posits that why you do what you do is connected to what you believe is most precious, valuable, and important in life.

Once I was able to clarify what I believe about my coaching practice and why I believe it’s valuable, then connecting the dots of my business “what” became almost effortless.

You may be wondering why I’m sharing this with you—especially if you don’t have a business that you’re trying to get clear on. The reason I’m sharing is that I believe understanding what’s important to you and what you value helps you to make supportive choices and then take actions that are in alignment with your soul’s purpose and desires.

The “take action” part is just as important as the knowing what you believe part—even if the action to be taken in any given moment is a “non-action” like resting or letting something be.

Best of all, it feels good to have your beliefs and actions in alignment—and what’s better than that?! Here’s a snippet of what I discovered about my “whys” and what I believe:

I believe sharing the gift of who we are with the world is a blessing.

I believe our mind, body, and spirit are all connected and work together: they all need tending.

I believe when you follow what delights your soul the world expands.

I believe boundaries are important: they create a safe container for us to move and create in the world.

I believe the experience of being alive is about honoring who we are—including our full range of emotions and experiences.

I believe connecting with nature and animal symbolism is a fun way to trigger and channel helpful insights.

I believe when we follow our truth it sets us free—and our truth isn’t static; it can shift and change.

I believe our bodies and emotions have a tremendous amount of information that can help us to make decisions that reflect our values.

I believe in being open and curious about new possibilities.

I believe love is everywhere.

Getting clear has made it easier for me to reach and connect with like-minded people. It’s also helped me to see that I needed to show up in ways that truly reflect what inspires me.

What are your “whys”?

Why do you believe what you do?

Why do you believe certain values are important to living a soulful life?

I’ll give you a little tip about connecting with your true values. Notice how you feel in your body when you connect to each value you list. If you feel free, open, and expansive when you connect to one, then it’s most likely a true value. If you feel tense, tight, and constricted when you connect to a value, then it’s most likely not a true value.

Sometimes we adopt values that society, our parents, and/or our friends say are good or “right” and we never check to see if they are really important and valuable to our soul. Have fun exploring and feel free to share what you notice here, or send me a note if you have any questions.

I’ve been finding myself annoyed and frustrated lately.

There’s nothing clear I can attribute it to. Feels like I’ve been wearing way-too-tight knickers—a.k.a. the dreaded “cranky pants.”

It got me thinking about the emotion of anger. Sociologist and emotion expert Karla McLaren, in her fabulous book The Language of Emotions, indicates that anger helps us to protect and honor our boundaries. That includes not only our physical space, but also our ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and the ways of being that are valuable and important to us.

Metaphorically, anger is like having your own inner superhero. For example, I have a friend who imagines her anger as Wonder Woman. I love that. Isn’t it fun to imagine Wonder Woman watching over your internal and external space? Flying around you in her invisible jet making sure all is well. Ready to alert you at a moment’s notice to any disruptions. Her Lasso of Truth standing by, waiting to rope-up any intruders that cross the line into your sacred territory or any internal invader that wreaks havoc (usually in the form of your own inner critic).

In McLaren’s book are questions you can ask yourself to help clarify the possible message inside the emotion showing up.

I love her questions for Anger: “What needs to be protected? What needs to be restored?”

Asking the question helps you to get clear, especially when you’re not consciously aware of why you’re angry.

When I asked myself the questions after my own recent bout of crankiness, this is what I discovered: I need to be protected from my own inner pushy perfectionistic self. I’ve been trying to pressure myself into moving forward with my goals, faster … faster … faster—in my business, my home projects, and in losing the 5 pounds I gained over the winter. This internal pressure is making me crazy. I’m disrupting my own inner calm. It’s not helpful and it’s counterproductive. Yours truly is also pressuring herself to do it all perfectly with no messes, short term failures, or readjustments along the way.

Good heavens. No wonder I’ve been cranky!

My own inner Wonder Woman is essentially asking me to stop harassing myself. She’s wrapped her Lasso of Truth around me and is reminding me that what would really feel good is to release the self-pressure. What needs to be restored is my safe inner utopia. I do that by stopping, breathing, and feeling into what my inner wisdom wants me to know. This is the message I received: “All is well in this moment. It doesn’t all have to be done today. One step at a time. It’s ok to make mistakes and readjust as you need to. You can grow your business, work on your home projects, and exercise and tend to your body in ways that feel good without the excess pressure.”

Ahhh … that feels so much better … and I notice that as I relax into less pressure and taking one step at a time I actually get more done. Imagine that.

If you’re struggling with frustration, anger, or inner hostilities you can channel your own inner Wonder Woman (or other favorite superhero or helpful figure that resonates with you). Then find a quiet spot and ask yourself the questions for anger: “What needs to be protected?” and “What needs to be restored?” Don’t overthink it. Notice what pops into your mind without judging it. Be curious. Please feel free to share what you notice. I’d love to hear about it. Or if you have questions about the process, please feel free to shoot me an email. I’m a bit of an emotion geek, and I love chatting about them!

In August 2013 I joined a wonderful 8-week writing class with Sarah Bamford Seidelmann and Anna Kunnecke called A Virtual Yurt for Rapscallion Wordslingers.

It was fantastic. I learned a ton, and it confirmed my love of writing as a means of connecting with the world and each other. There’s so much beauty and magic present when we share who we are. We feel less alone when we allow our wonderful humanness to be seen and when we become witnesses in return. I believe there is great value in supporting and celebrating each other as we journey through this beautiful and often bumpy road of life (and in having a hell of a good time along the way).

One of my favorite writing assignments of the Virtual Yurt was to compose a love letter to your favorite writer.

I chose Maya Angelou.

She was not only a favorite writer to me, but also a beautiful beacon of what it means to own and honor our humanness. It feels bittersweet to share this letter after her recent death. I had always hoped to meet her in person. I guess in a way, though, through her writing I feel like I did. She was a wonderful friend and confidante. It is with great love and appreciation that I remember and honor the life of Maya Angelou.

August 5, 2013

Dearest Maya,

My soul feels full of love and joy when I picture you in my mind. I adore your beautiful strong melodious voice, your radiant smile, your gorgeous body that sways and dances to the rhythms of life, and the magical way that you weave your words and stories into the most exquisite creations.

What a blessing you are to me.

Connecting with you through your stories and poems has transformed and softened my view of life. In some of my darkest times I’ve imagined your beautiful shining face smiling next to me with your twinkling eyes full of love and delightful boldness. I’d hear you saying, “stand tall, girl … be kind to yourself and don’t apologize for who you are.” Your words made me feel stronger and less alone. You gave me hope and encouragement that my seemingly flawed and imperfect life was good—better than good. You helped me to see the value and perfection in all my experiences, and most importantly in myself.

You’ve inspired me to go after my dreams, to experiment, to love, to be transformed by my suffering, to live and continue to make the best out of my life each day, and to forgive myself when I don’t … for that I am so grateful.

Thank you for being willing to share the extraordinary gift, which is you, with the world.

Your loving fan,

Linda Fennell

I now welcome you to write your own love letter to your favorite writer or a person who has greatly inspired you. I think we learn and confirm what’s important to us and what we value when we do this—and it just feels really good to be in a state of love and appreciation (and what better reason do we need than that!) Feel free to post your letter here in the comments or to email it to me privately if you like—I’d love to read it.